I change one little thing, and everyone and their mother notices.

I'm not going to post my weigh in from the doctor...it went up...my appointment was in the late sfternoon...and I hadn't eaten all day...WTF

At least my blood pressure and pulse are good.

I feel very strange. My body feels heavy. My mind feels far away, like everything is going in slow motion...

I want to write a book. (And finish the one I started).

I want to paint more.

I want to start knitting again.

I want to enjoy a nice day and go for a walk, even if I go alone.

I want new clothes.


Want, want, want... wow, I feel greedy now :/

I'm getting weighed at the doctor's today :(

I feel like shit. I really just want my family to support me and accept the decisions I make for myself. I'm an adult. I've already made all the possible mistakes I could have and have learned from them all. I'm ready to grow up and accept responsibility for myself and my actions. I need this for myself. I am far too independent to have to rely on others. This is making my anxiety sky high right now. I just want to fucking cry and cry. I haven't even eaten yet today. I was planning on having dinner. But, my appetite is non-existent at the moment. I need to face them. I need to tell them how I feel and that there is no reason to be upset. not even a little. I hate this feeling sooo fucking much. I don't even know what I would say. i have no idea where I would begin. Ugh. I just want to be able to do what I want when I want.

I feel so nauseous right now. I just want to go to sleep.

My finger nails are brittle. Very brittle. And it isn't disorder related. I had fake nails. Then on the day I went to get them 'filled' they were too busy and told me to come back in like 3 hours... on a Saturday. WTF. I had better things to do than sit around and wait to get my nails done. So I left and ripped the fake nails off. I was sooo pissed. And now my nails are weak, thin and chipping/breaking very easily. And my natural nails are usually quite nice. Lesson learned... Just because I break one nail does NOT mean I need to cut off all of my nicely groomed real nails and get fake nails. Stupid stupid stupid.

I'm making an 'ish' regime. And by 'ish', I mean that I'm not one for following through with things. That leads to feeling like a failure and that I've let myself down. So, if I make an 'ish' plan that i can work around and not have any set goals, I can follow it without wanting to punch myself in the face. I'm going to try and finish it today. Hopefully I will have time to...

I know why I'm doing this. I know what the problem is everytime I fall back into this. The reason might be different every time, but at least I can pinpoint it. I hate that I always know what the underlying problem is, and realize what I'm doing to avoid it and not have to think about it. I'm using my body as an excuse for situations and anxiety that I don't want to have to face. I don't like a challenge. I don't like being rejected or made a fool of. I hate that I stress out over nothing. I feed into it more and more and more... until I establish another problem...

Right now, I have a very strong willpower. I feel like evrytime I get this feeling, everything comes crashing down and my willpower fades. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I hate when I have to force myself to eat a fucking 60 calorie yogurt so i wont feel nauseous anymore. Stupid.

It's annoying that I know my body so well that I don't even have to weigh myself to know about how much I weigh. I'm usually almost right on target. By the way I look and by the way my clothes fit I can pretty much figure it out. I hate that I'm always thinking about foods I'm allowed/not allowed to have. I'm always thinking about when I can exercise next or go without eating. I'm always pinching and poking at myself. I feel like there is some sort of vicious never ending cycle that I can't rid my head of... Then, there's the constant battle in my head about facing reality and trying to get better vs. the never ending fear of gaining weight and saying no to foods that I've forgotten the taste of. Sometimes, like right now, I wish I could just fall asleep and not eat, not drink, not worry or even think.

My allergies, anxiety and depression have been getting pretty bad lately. I'm really tired all the time. I keep stressing out about nothing. My head is completely stuffed up. i have all sorts of aches pains and headaches everyday. I can't sleep well. I hardly have any friends. I feel like a damn hermit crab. My lack of nutrition is probably a factor in my feeling lousy as well. I just want to feel okay metally and physically.

xoxo

I feel like shit :(

If anyone here is from the UK (I'm not but I know some of you are)... FYI: Just in case you are a vegetarian and having a chocolate craving and a snickers happens to fall into your hand, don't eat it!!! Snickers, along with other 'Mars' products are no longer vegetarian. My opinion: ewww and that's stupid. I'm sure some of you already know about this. I'm just trying to get the word out just incase someone doesn't know.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/6653175.stm

Have a good afternoon cuties :)

xoxo

My list of foods I dare not touch willingly...

meat (i'm a vegetarian)
butter or any sort of margarine
oils
peanut butter
whole eggs
cakes and pastries
donuts

However, foods that I sometimes enjoy are...

grapes
diet soda/black coffee/tea
baked lays(i'm a sucker for those)
cucumbers
cherry tomatoes
...well pretty much any veggie or fruit known to man(except turnip)
fat free candies


i think i'm going to revise an old diet plan...

i might post about it later...

I've been gone for a while. I put on ten pounds in the last six months. Then lost five. That's not really a bad thing, but not a good thing either. I'm doing pretty well though. Well, except for the arguing with myself all the time thing. Thoughts that race through my mind...'Lose weight!', 'Shut up! You're fine. You're healthy.', 'You are a fat bloated pig.' Yada yada yada... I hate this. It's a never ending cycle of being fat, then too skinny, then fat again, then even skinnier. I try to force my self to eat when I don't want to because I get so dizzy all of the time. Oh, and I really really fucking hate it when people call me skinny. Lies, lies and more fucking lies. Kthnx bye.

I don't like how people can casually poke fun at eating disorders. I always feel weird being around family and friends or even coworkers when any of them make references to sore subjects. Like, how am I supposed to respond to those sorts of comments? I can't just laugh it up and crack a joke. It's not funny to me. However, I wish it was. i wish I was completely ignorant on the subject. I wish i didn't know all of the things that pollute my mind. It's sad, and sick. I hate feeling like I have some deep dark secret that can never be exposed.

So far today...

Dannon Yogurt =60
Strawberries =38
Banana =125
Crystal light =9
Diet Dr.Pepper =6

=238 calories(overestimated on fitday.com)

I gained five pounds with my period. Hate it.

i think I'm getting the job I want.

Had to buy new clothes for potential new job.

I need to go on a diet.

Fat fat fat.

Food is not an excuse.

Scared scared scared I am. I do't really know what is going on with me. I feel like shit right now. I got the curse today. I feel like a fat prize winning hefer. Besides that, I'm still on the hunt for a job. It's looking okay so far. I need this to happen for me so badly. Wish me luck if you care.

I really need to back away from being a junkfoodetarian. If I'm going to eat, I really shouldn't feed my body gross foods that have no nourishment in them. I should really start eating more fruits and vegetables. And tofu and tempeh.